Monthly Archives: August 2012

Day 59-Happiness is … holey

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Black Hole Wordle

Black Hole Wordle (Photo credit: thebadastronomer)

Most people have no idea how unhappy they are because they don’t know what happiness is. When they get a little break from their total pain, they feel a little better and they call it happiness.” – Buddhist saying

Caution: This blog was never designed to be light and sunshine 24/7 and honesty prevails me to admit the light switch is off!

There is a moment between waking and being awake when disorientation allows anything to be possible; that split second of  just being, just breathing, and becoming aware of the day, before ‘the hit’. The hit could be negative or positive – the memory that a loved one died yesterday or the realization that this is the day you leave for vacation  or anything in between – but there is always a hit. Lately, my mornings are punctuated with heavy hits, tears threatening instantly until I find a distraction; my feet do not itch to leap out of bed and start another day.

Happiness tasks have given me tools to deal with unhappy times. I know things that will perk me up and make me feel good, (and they do). The problem is that as soon as the task is over, the unhappiness that I didn’t even sense lurking beside me, pounces. It is always right there waiting. In order to fix it, I need to know why… and I don’t. All I know is the cup is tipping again. ** The website article I linked to talks of doing what will make you happy. But it is not just about that. It is about doing what will not make me unhappy. To do what would make me happy would be to write a novel and make money…could possibly do that if i gave up a lot of possessions and things like horses…not having a horse would make me unhappy, my children having to give up certain things in order to support my happiness would also make me unhappy.

Part of the reason gravity is pulling my cup over could be due to major life decisions and changes forcing the aloneness reality down my throat. I can accept single life, especially if the alternative is an unhappy relationship, but it doesn’t make me happy and I didn’t choose it. Settling for just anyone to avoid being alone is not on my menu either, so the reality hit I wake to every morning is that I do not have someone to flirt with, to plan fun things with, to be spontaneous and silly with, to lean on when I don’t know what to do or to just hold hands with. (family and friends not forgotten but not the same either)

As stated when I started this blog, I am not alone in this situation, or with any of the issues I could rant about endlessly that many other people also face daily. I do not expect my happiness to come from anyone else; I have simply come full circle back to the beginning of my happiness search and need to set the cup back upright. I am the only one who can. I just wish I was better at it.

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So…it has come to this !

This post was actually written just as I headed in to the black hole of time that has sucked up the last few months of non-blogging. Interestingly enough, I am re-starting after a meditation retreat at a Buddhist monastery (look again at the quote I used above) and while at this retreat, many themes were discussed … including each of us being the only ones who can work on ourselves. Guess I am getting better at it…one cup tilt at a time.

Rating: The Black Hole day (1 out of 10)

  • Itchy feet – 0 out of 5 (not a pretty picture)
  • Twitch – too dark to tell
  • Happy hour – 1 out of 5 (I will always find something to be grateful for, even if I’m not happy)

What the heck does all that mean, you ask? Read Itchy Feet Explained.

Tomorrow: Who knows….  Use the calendar to view my happiness tasks for each day along with a brief description of the task and why I chose it.